Surviving a Sexless Marriage

Both spouses can agree that sex is such an important part of a relationship. It is what unites, strengthens, and bonds a relationship together. When there is a lack of intimacy, both spouses can sometimes feel confused, angry, or even desperate. It may be tempting to confront your spouse and share with them your resentment toward surviving a sexless marriage, however, your best bet is to think through your thoughts and go in with an open mind. Since sex can be such a sensitive subject for most couples, especially when there is a lack of it, it is important that you begin speaking with your spouse in an open-ended way.

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Initiating a conversation with your spouse 

The first step in surviving a sexless marriage is opening conversation. Of course, this can sometimes be difficult to do since you do not want to come across as attacking your partner, or criticizing him or her. There may be legitimate reasons behind your spouse’s lack of intimacy. This can range from personal conflicts, to issues at work, to being self-conscious. Think about any recent change in your lifestyle. Is there a new baby? Could it be a new job? Or, has there been a recent death in the family? These are all thoughts to consider. 

Asking the open-ended questions 

Surviving a sexless marriage certainly is possible, but the goal is to bring sex back to the relationship. When you ask the open ended questions, you are inviting your partner to speak freely. This is important because you want them to feel secure in sharing their thoughts. You can begin initiating an open-ended question by asking something like, “I miss being intimate with you. What are your thoughts?” By phrasing the question in this way, you are inviting your spouse to share their opinions free of judgment. 

Hear your spouse out 

Once your spouse begins to speak, the actions and reactions you make to their thoughts will be a critical step in surviving a sexless marriage—or better yet, overcoming a sexless marriage and inviting intimacy back to the relationship. Your very best bet is to just listen. Be all ears. Do not speak. Allow room for silence. Let your spouse unload their thoughts without interjecting. Only after he or she begins to ask you questions, or invites you to speak, is it appropriate to begin to share your thoughts. 

Sharing your thoughts on surviving a sexless marriage with your spouse 

Only after your spouse has fully unloaded their thoughts and feelings is it appropriate to begin to share your thoughts. However, even though it may be tempting to spill all your feelings and emotions on the table, resist the urge. You have invited your spouse to share his or her feelings. When you start to interject the way you feel, you are not responding to your spouse’s thoughts or feelings. Instead, in more or less words, you are saying, “I don’t care that you feel that way! Listen to the way I feel because that’s more important!” You do not want to create tension. Instead, you must respond to the other spouse’s feelings. It is the reason you have initiated the conversation in the first place. 

Once you have listened and responded, suggest a way to make it better 

Surviving a sexless marriage does not have to be permanent. Once you have heard the reasoning behind the lack of intimacy, respond to him or her genuinely. You may want to say, “I heard what you said, and I want to make it better.” This acknowledges your spouse’s concerns and reaffirms that your first priority is to listen and improve the situation. Listen carefully to your spouse’s reply. If he or she says, “I am not ready yet” then that is okay. Your only option is to acknowledge that and agree with it. You cannot argue with that reply. The most important thing for you right now is to listen to your spouse, agree with him or her, and allow time to pass until you try again.

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